It's a New Day

Yesterday was "one of those days."  Actually, it's been one of those months.  By 7:00 last night I had made up my mind that the only way I'd survive the day with my hope intact was if somebody brought me a suprise strawberry pie (or something of equal yumminess) or if my sister-in-law went into labor so I could hold her newborn.  A couple texts later I learned that she wasn't having her baby that night.  As my day unraveled more, I got a sudden text from my dear Shauna saying she and and some other friends were throwing together an impromptu girl's night to Walmart. 

And this is why I know there is a God.  I'm not joking around when I say that friends + Walmart late at night = nothing better (besides a newborn baby).  Nothing could have busted me out of my funk besides great friends.

And so I came home after midnight with a 3-pound bag of sour patch kids and my attitude readjusted.

Today is a new day.  Plus I ran across this video, which helps too.

Update-Dreams

Make sure you click on the image so you can read the text.

Look what arrived home in Buddy's backpack yesterday.  I'm relieved he's listening at school, even if that means a little more negotiating ammo when he argues with us.

G and I agree that this might be our very favorite Buddy story now.  Well, that and the beluga whale story. 

Dreams

Never in our wildest dreams could we have imagined that the "I have a dream..." speech could be used against us as parents.

Tonight at dinner Buddy was eating slowly, so G put a time-limit on dinner.

"You have until the big hand is on the five and then you are done.  If you finish before then you can have a piece of candy."

In a huff, Buddy replied, "This is not fair.  Today is Martin Luther King, Junior's birthday and and he says things should be fair." 

Random Shorts

It's been awhile since I've updated the blog.  I've had plenty on my mind, but just haven't made the effort to write.  No real reason, just didn't feel like it, I guess.  So here's the short version on several topics I've been thinking about.

G and I listened to this audio book during our drive home from Christmas in Reno.  It's called "People Are Idiots and I Can Prove It!" by Larry Winget.  It was phenomenal, and I highly encourage you to borrow my copy, or buy your own.  We laughed hysterically the entire drive and learned quite a bit about stopping being -- or not becoming -- an idiot.  He has down-to-earth parenting, financial, fashion, business, marital, etc advice that must be heard by as many people as possible.  After all, in my day-to-day life I run across quite a few idiots (not you, my loyal readers...) and I'd really like word to spread about this guy's advice. 

***

Speaking of books, if you have a small and imaginative boy, I would encourage you to purchase or borrow the Magic Treehouse books from your library.  We were at Borders a few weeks ago and I stumbled across the series, showed it to Buddy, and immediately he was hooked.  So if you know what I mean, Santa delivered the entire series on Christmas.  Buddy completed the first book yesterday, which was so exciting considering this was his first crack at a "chapter book" and he wants to do nothing but read all day long now.  They are perfect for early readers, especially boys who like dragons and dinosaurs and pirates and outer space and history and other countries.  And since Buddy is my firstborn and I rely on recommendations from other moms about cool books and toys for boys, let this be my recommendation to you.  Your boy will love you for it, even if you are the one to do the reading at first.

***

A few of the cousins

Speaking of Christmas, our Christmas was great.  We enjoyed a week in Reno with all of Greg's family.  The cousins played marvelously and we all enjoyed tons of great food.  I'm a little ashamed to admit this, but we did manage to eat at In n Out three times.  Oops.  No wonder I came home so fat.

Sambo and Buddy acting silly on Christmas Eve.  They were tired of me posing them for a "cute" photo in front of the tree in their new jammies.  I should say Buddy was tired of it, and Sambo just copies whatever Buddy does.

***

I got released from my calling as primary president and called into the stake primary instead.  I was devastated at first because I genuinely love those primary children.  But after sitting through primary last week as a substitute without the burden of being in charge, I quickly realized I wasn't that sad after all.  It was an interesting transition because the new calling came suddenly, and so between Thanskgiving and Christmas and all of the craziness of getting ready for the new year in Primary, it was a terrible time to be choosing a new presidency.  So the new president and I worked together for six weeks before I was finally got released and her new presidency was called.  That in and of itself was an interesting and unique learning experience.  Since we were both so invested in the calling, we accomplished more in that six weeks than I could have imagined (shoutout to Nicki for her awesomeness during that time too!).  If only all presidencies in the church operate that well! 

***

This week I went to Albertsons and spent $68 and got several, and I mean several bags of food.  I purchased 20 yogurts, 11 boxes of cereal, 14 bricks of cheese, and enough produce to fill both produce bins plus more.  I saved $130.  I love to double my savings -- and I often do, but that's hard to do when I'm loading up on produce.  I was so pleased!

***

Yesterday when the bus pulled up to pick Buddy up for school, he ran halfway to the bus, quickly stopped and turned back toward me saying, "I forgot to give you a hug and a kiss!"  Without thinking, I said, "You already kissed me, now hurry to the bus!"  I could have kicked myself for saying that.  What I should have said was "I am so happy that you are still at the wonderful age when you want to kiss me.  I'm the luckiest mom in the world!"  I should also mention, that when he got on the bus I saw him look out the window to wave and blow me a kiss.  When he got home from school I still felt like an a**, so I told him I sure liked it when he blew me that kiss from the bus.  So what do you know, he did it again today.  Love, love, love that boy!

***

Sambo has been in a pretty foul mood since we came home from Christmas.  I think he's extremely bored.  When I take him somewhere fun, he's happy and when we come home he loses it.  *Sigh*  He's given the term "temper tantrum" a whole new meaning this week.

***

Without even realizing it, it turns out I frequently refer to Sambo as "your brother" when speaking to Buddy.  I'll say, "Can you go get your brother  a drink?"  Or, "Can you read your brother a story?"  In my sub-conscious I think I was trying to instill a sense of brotherly love.  Well, the other day Sambo was bugging me in the bathroom, so I told him to go out and go find his brother.  I said, "Where is your brother?"  He got the sweetest grin on his face and pointed with both hands to himself.  I was totally confused, so I asked again, "Where is your brother?"  Again, he pointed to himself.

Oh my gosh.  He thinks one of his nicknames (and he has a LOT) is "your brother."  How adorable is that?

***

Sambo was evaluated today for early intervention services.  After a few minutes with us, the two evaluators sweetly told me that their services are reserved for severely developmentally delayed children who have serious special needs.  They serve babies ages 0-2, and since the range of normal development for babies is so wide, a child has to be below the 2 percent rage to qualify in any area of the developmental areas they test.  I told them I understood and reiterated why I was there.  They proceeded with the testing asking me a million questions and observed him for about an hour and a half.  The typical test takes closer to three hours apparently to account for breaks for the child, temper tantrums, a child that just won't cooperate, whatever.  Well, including a diaper change break, we were done in far less time because Sambo is a superstar.  The evaluators were very impressed by how well he listened and cooperated and did every single thing they asked of him.  When they stepped out to tabulate their findings, they reminded me that their services were for seriously delayed children and he was extremely highly functioning, so I shouldn't get my hopes up.

Well, a few minutes later they came back and announced they got the shock of their careers and he did indeed fall below the 2 percent for speech.  One lady told me that she was so shocked at how well he has learned to over-compensate for his total inability to speak.  He is so compliant and such a good listener and easy going and speaks so well with his eyes and his hand gestures, she, even a professional, got fooled into thinking he talks.

Well he doesn't, and I am so proud that I trusted my mother's intuition to get him evaluated now while he's young and the services are free and accessible.  So for the next year we'll have a speech therapist come to our home to train me on special tricks and techniques to help him learn to speak.  Yay!

***

I was a substitute cub scout leader this week for wolf's den meeting.  I have never done this before and I seriously loved it.  We painted heart napkin holders and then screwed them together.  Then they ran around the gym acting like different animals and we finished with a discussion about developing healthy habits.  They are going to fill out a health chart for two weeks and they were asked to:  drink 6-8 glasses of water a day, play and run every day, wash their hands before meals, and "take a shower involving soap" every day.  I about died of laughter because that was in the wolf book.  But then the boys proceeded to argue about how that's not fair or fun and their moms say they don't have to do that and I laughed even harder.

For some reason only three boys showed up, so we had enough supplies for my boys to participate, so they painted too.  I sort of knew all boys were hyper, but holy cow.  These cub scouts were crazy hyper.  I often say I don't understand why I have the two most hyper children on the face of the earth.  It was reassuring (and a little disturbing) to realize my boys are normal after all.  In fact, the disturbing part was realizing that there is no difference in maturity level or cleanliness (remember we were painting) between a 2-year old, a 6-year old and the 8-year old scouts.  Yikes!  But at least I know this in advance so I won't have the urge to shoot myself in the head when Buddy never grows out of his constant hyper-active stage.

Happy Birthday M! (by G)

On December 24, my wife, my best friend, and the love of my life turned 33. Lucky for her, she still looks like she’s in her twenties. Unlucky for me, people think that I am her father. For her birthday she said she didn’t want to do ANYTHING. I did my best to honor her request by letting her sleep in and wrangling the kids for most of the day. Lucky for us, my parents watched the kids in the afternoon (we were in Reno for Christmas). We went to lunch at In N Out Burger with my sister and brother-in-law and then to the thrift store to get white elephant gifts. It was fun for us just to hang out and laughed hysterically at the “treasures” we found at the thrift store.


Over the last few months or so, M has posted about different projects that she has accomplished and other things she has been up to. As you can tell from her posts she is amazing. I don’t know how she is able to accomplish so much and do so much. She is a wonderful wife and mother. She has a great sense of humor, works hard, and takes care of us boys, even though we can be really annoying. I could go on and on, but instead I’ll just say one last thing: Happy Birthday, we love you!

Our Hope to Adopt!

photo by www. jewel-images.com

We have had a BIG announcement in the works for a few months now. 


We have recently been approved to adopt our third child.  This is very exciting for us because it means we are certified and have completed all the necessary paperwork, background checks and interviews to become adoptive parents again.  But it also means that it’s time to do everything we can to find our next baby.  We have had several spiritual experiences in the last two months since we’ve been approved that have helped us see that we are being prepared for another adoption.

We are working with LDS Family Services, as we have the first two times.  And while the agency does a lot to help us and support us, we feel very strongly that this time we need to be “anxiously engaged” in finding our baby through our own networking.  We have a feeling that our friends will play a role in helping us accomplish this goal.  Adopting a third time is really exciting for us and we encourage you to ask us questions and feel welcome to look at our online profiles and send them to anyone you think might be interested in seeing them.


Just this week a family in Arizona that promotes adoption has featured our family on their blog and other websites they are apart of.  We were very flattered that they waned to help us as well.  We think this is important for several reasons.  First is spreads the spirit of adoption and reminds people that adoption is a blessing and a principle of the gospel.  Second, it shows the Lord we are doing what we can.  And third, your promoting our adoption helps us — it’s as  simple as that!  

We hope you feel welcome to use the following links, the "Hope to Adopt" button on our blog, or any of our information as you wish.

To find out more, please visit our LDS Family Services profile.

Or our family’s adoption blog.

Merry Christmas and thank you so much for your help and support!  We appreciate it!
 

Honored

When Buddy was about four weeks old the adoption agency called us and said they had a package for us. This happened quite regularly because in "those days" they didn't allow fully open adoptions, so we had to send all letters, pictures, and gifts to the agency first. They would open them and read them, then they'd forward them on to the recipient. We wrote to his birth mom every other week and she always wrote back, so there was a steady stream of letters going back and forth. The pit stop at the agency was extremely annoying to G and I. His birth mom never complained because I think she was just so grateful to hear from us.  We now realize how frustrating it was to her too.  Life with a newborn clips along quickly, so by the time she received our detailed accounting of his life, a couple weeks had passed and it was all old news. Not to mention, we were on pins and needles waiting to hear from her to make sure she was OK and that she was finding a little joy in the life that had just completely been turned upside down. Nothing was the same for her. After her delivery she moved to another state to live with her parents. She lost all her friends and her job, and she was doing all of that with empty and achy arms. The one little person that brought joy to her heart and had given her hope in the worst of situations was now the greatest joy of our lives.

We were heartbroken for her. And so each week we were anxious to hear how she was doing.

It was a few days before Christmas. We were living in an apartment and looking for a house and we were pretty sure we had just found a perfect one. I was trying to wrap things up at my job and I was taking my newborn baby into the office some days and driving him to my mom's house some days.  We had no tree because we were hoping to move soon.  We had newborn baby gear and boxes all over the apartment.  And we were exhausted, of course. 

When I got home from work on this particular day, I eagerly opened the package that the agency had forwarded onto us. Inside was a picture frame (which now holds our first family photo -- taken there in the agency conference room minutes after she placed him with us), a gorgeous scrapbook she had made for us of her pregnancy and her five days with him, and her detailed journal of everything she did and thought and felt while she spent her time with him. If I remember correctly, it was about 11 pages long. I remember reading it and weeping at the depth of love she had felt for her baby. And the depth of grief she was experiencing at his loss. It seemed incomprehensible that someone could be so strong in the face of such a trial, but she was optimistic about her life and his. And selfishly, that gave me comfort.  I just treasured her journal, knowing it would be so wonderful for him to read someday.

We continued to write letters for a few more months and then after the adoption was finalized (Buddy was 8 months old), we asked her for her email address. We figured the agency couldn't dictate our actions at that point, so on the day of Buddy's blessing, we sent her our first email. My email address includes my full name, and we attached a transcript of his blessing, which also included his full name. This was all a big deal because we were treading into "open" adoption and we didn't have anyone telling us this was OK.

Not too much later, we asked our caseworker if it was acceptable to have a post-placement visit with Buddy's birth mother. We had never known anyone to do this, but he said the agency was slowly becoming more open to openness and he encouraged us to do whatever we felt was right. To be honest, it seemed awkward NOT to see her again. But we didn't know how to bring it up with her. Several more months passed and one day she told us that sometime when we were in Utah visiting family that she would love to see us. Interestingly enough, we had a trip planned to Utah soon, so we made arrangements to meet at her house for an afternoon BBQ. Buddy was 17 months. We figured it might be "hard" or "awkward" to be there in her parent's home. Keep in mind, we didn't know anyone else who had done anything like this.  She has since told us it was hard, but we had a fantastic time and felt so comfortable spending the afternoon with them. Finally well past Buddy's bedtime, we drug ourselves from her home and left.  We worried we were being selfish and hurting her more than was needful.  But in our hearts, we knew that what we were doing was right.

We had another visit on my 30th birthday. Buddy had just turned three. And then we had another visit when Buddy was almost four. Both of those visits came at extremely critical times in our adoption journey to find Sambo.  I think I've blogged of them before.

G and I started getting the itch to hang out again over a year ago, so we invited her and her new husband to come visit us. She was newly pregnant and not feeling so great, so they declined. But let me just tell you, we were so thrilled about her pregnancy, so we totally understood.  And we understood her need to hold her family close and enjoy at least that pregnancy without involving us too much.

A few months ago we got an email from her husband. He has always been extremely supportive of us and from the first time he met Buddy (2 years ago), he sincerely loved him. He is a genuine guy, so when he asked if they could come visit sometime -- anytime -- as a surprise for her 30th birthday, we started making arrangements right away. We suggested they come for her birthday, which was also Thanksgiving week.

The days leading up to the visit were filled with anxiety and stress for all of us. We all supported this visit, but an afternoon BBQ is one thing. Spending five days together in our home is entirely different. But again, I knew in my heart that this was a good idea and would bring clarity to my mind as a mother, and as an adoption advocate. But since this isn't all about me, I thought it would be good for Buddy. And from what I knew about his birth mom, I thought it would be exciting for her to see our home, how we live, and more of his personality.

They've now come and gone.  Since their visit, I've been consumed with trying so hard to remember every detail of the visit. I think I learned more about myself, motherhood, grief, healing, joy, the gospel, sacrifice, and kindness in that short week than I have in the rest of my life combined. Not to mention, I gained so much insight into Buddy and his personality than I even thought possible. He is quite like me (and us), but his personality is very complex and I understand him so much more now. The interesting thing is, I realized how similar his birth mother and I are. It's eery how similar we are, so I'm still not sure if nature or nurture is a stronger pull with him. At the very least, it's interesting to think about.

G and I have just been in awe at the experience. First of all, we feel so fortunate to have gotten an objective view of Buddy. When we get caught up in the daily grind of life, it's hard to take a step back and see our children for who they really are. What their talents really are. Why they react or over-react to certain things. We got such a good look at his potential and the many wonderful gifts he came to the world with. I'm not trying to minimize the huge influence we have over him, but I could plainly see that many of her challenges happen to be his challenges. And likewise, her will to be the best she can -- and to love deeply -- and her sensitivity to sacred things -- and her zest for life -- and her sense of humor -- just so happen to be some of Buddy's greatest gifts. Her desire to please and to do good is so strong it incapacitates her at times. When I saw it happen to her while she was with us, my tender motherly heart just broke because it explained so much about Buddy. This will be a challenge for him and until I saw that in her, I didn't understand that part of his personality. Or mine, for that matter.

I have never experienced grief like hers and it was healing and motivating for me to see that in her. I know her, so I knew she wasn't "over it," but I realized while she was with us that she never will be. She sacrificed EVERYTHING so Buddy could have the best life possible. And now that she's a mother, she has a better sense of not only what she gave me, but what she lost. It was really, really hard to realize the intensity of her grief. In my naivety I assumed that because she's doing well and has a great husband and a darling baby and more faith than ever, this part of her life and all it's sadness and joy takes a back seat to everything else she has going on. But seeing the situation for what it is re-motivated me to be a better mother. Pretty much every time I receive an email or gift from her, I re-dedicate myself. But while she was here, I not only was on my best behavior because I felt like I had to prove I was providing everything she hoped for (which caused me more anxiety than you'll ever know).  But like I said, I suddenly caught sight of the bigger situation. I can be the best mother because she's set the pattern for me. Buddy started out with a mother that would lay down her life for him. I have never been asked to do that for him, so it makes the day-to-day mothering seem a little easier.  I can deal with tantrums and laundry and talking back and heaven-help-me all the teenage drama when it comes.  I chose this. And she gave it to me.

The lessons we have learned from her are just too many to count.  But one last lesson must be mentioned.  I kept telling people that it was the best and worst week ever.  Nothing bad happened per se, but as I already shared, the intensity of the situation weighed heavy on all of us (well, not the kids).  It was hard.  And through that, I learned that hard doesn't necessary mean bad.  It's OK to have hard experiences in life.  She placed her baby for adoption knowing it would be hard.  She came to our home knowing it would cause pain.  We invited her to our home knowing she would struggle here.  But it was OK.  In fact, it was good.  And I think there is a good lesson there.

Last, I must make it clear that we do not hide any of this from Buddy.  Some of the heavier conversations are saved for when he's not present because we speak to him in a way a child could understand.  But he knew it was hard for her.  He also knew that we were having a ton of fun and I have never seen him so happy or so "himself."  It was confusing for his birth mother to understand her place while she was here and she wanted to make sure she never parented him or overstepped her bounds (not that she would).  She asked me several times, "Who am I to him?  I'm not an aunt.  I'm not a friend.  I'm certainly not his mom.  Who am I?"  And to be quite frank, it was never an issue for him.  She's his birth mother.  He's comfortable with that because she always has been and because he's never not known her.  She is the one who gave him life, his gorgeous face, his talents, his smarts, his sense of humor, his tenderness, his family, and the gospel.  He knows that.  In fact, a few days ago he had a friend over to play and he asked his friend if he had a birth mom.  The friend was totally confused and said he didn't know what a birth mom was.  Buddy said, "You don't know what a birth mom is?  How do you not know what a birth mom is?  A birth mom is the person who gives birth to you.  She gives you your family."

I don't have a birth mom.  His birth mother doesn't have a birth mom.  So we have this strange need to come up with an explanation of who she is by comparing her to other relationships we have.  It's impossible to do that because this isn't like other relationships.  The interesting thing is, Buddy doesn't do that and he also doesn't confuse who she is.  Very interestingly, his brother, at age 2 also gets it.  Never once while she was here did either boy try to undermine our parenting.  (Buddy does it all the time when grandparents are here so that was a big shocker).  He had so much fun and was so comfortable with them and he tried SO hard to please them.  But he didn't think she was his mom.  And trust me, when Buddy is confused or stressed everyone knows.  He most definitely was not.  It was a relationship you can't totally understand, apparently, unless you're a part of it.

To Buddy it's clear.  I'm not naive enough to think that he'll never have doubts or questions or insecurities, but that is definitely not an issue now.  And if and when the day does come that he has a question, he has a relationship with her, so he can ask her (or me) and she'll tell him.  I love that!