All Creatures Great and Small

I hate critters. Detest them. I'm scared to death of any and all rodents, reptiles, wild animals, etc. I'd rather have a spider crawl all over me then to run into the creatures I just listed. But I hate them too. I have a mouse radar that I got from Ho.me Depot that supposedly keeps mice out of the house. I hope it's working! I must be some kind of monster because I don't like pets either. I am totally incapable of loving an animal. (Don't worry, I'm not cruel to animals -- I just don't have tender feelings for them.) Yeah, the zoo is cool, but that's about it.

I must have sent out some really bad karma because in the last week:

• I saw a deer walk past our back gate the other night while I was feeding Pee-Wee. It was really cool, so we rushed and got Buddy out of bed so he could see it. The deer quickly wandered into the wheat field right behind our house, so we could only see the tops of his ears as he walked further and further into the field. That was pretty cool. It gets much, much worse, though.
• We have tree frogs all over the yard and periodically they come into our house. (I've been known to call G home from work on a couple occasions to remove one from the house.) So while we were looking at the deer, a frog hopped right into our family room. Thankfully I saw it happen, so G was able to capture it quickly.
• Buddy has seen field mice all over the yard in the past few days -- one of which was right by the back door. And then I saw one in the shed. Thank heavens for my mouse detector. I swear if one comes in our house, this house is going on the market immediately.
• Then on Saturday we came home from a day at our town's annual festival. Immediately upon walking into the house, Buddy noticed a bird in our fireplace. Now, I don't know how on earth he got in there, but the fireplace is gas, so he was flapping all around stirring up all sorts of dust and making the pilot light go out of control. I about lost it. G was out of town and as we all have learned, I'm petrified of animals. So about 30 unanswered calls to his cell phone later, I was really in a panic. So I called our friend Jesse, who came over and somehow removed the glass from the fireplace. I had to help him hold a sheet to capture the bird. Thank heavens that worked and he was able to release it outside. It took me hours to come down off of that adrenaline rush. Still disturbs me out thinking about it.
• So then yesterday we were at the pool at our gym. You know, the high-end one I wrote about a few days ago? And all of a sudden I see a RAT poking around some lawn chairs. I had seen a guy walking around with a cage a few minutes before -- so I knew this wasn't the first time that rat had been seen around there. Apparently it wasn't a wild rat, but a lost or abandoned "pet." At least that's what the lifeguards were saying. But honestly, a rat is a rat. And it freaked me the hell out.
• So then today Buddy informs me there's a mole hill in the backyard. I wasn't surprised with all the other wild animals that have been hanging out back there.
• Just a few minutes ago I went outside to pick some lettuce for dinner. And while I was stepping over the mole hill, being careful not to step on any moles if they happened to pop up right then, I saw a SNAKE slithering away. I am TERRIFIED of snakes. I've seen them several other times in the yard and it really is upsetting.

Our house backs right up to a field, the Tualatin River is at the end of our street, and we live a half mile from a national wildlife refuge, so I guess a few animals here and there are to be expected. But honestly, I can't handle this. This has gotten totally out of control. I think I'm ready to pack up and move to a condo in the city. Deep breaths...